One of the best selling relationship advice books out there is entitled, “He’s Just Not That Into You, the No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys” by Greg Behrendt, and Liz Tuccillo (two writers from Sex In The City). The premise of the book is that guys are too terrified to ever tell a woman directly that she’s not the one. Rather, men let their actions scream out loud but too many women aren’t choosing to listen. “He says he loves me, but hasn’t called in two weeks because he’s (fill in the blank).” Why is this book such a runaway best seller? I believe it’s because women are looking for a guidebook to understand men’s mixed messages. Yet, aren’t we often guilty of using indirect language in our own relationships?

“I’m sorry, but I’m washing my hair that night.” Hopefully nobody is still using this lame excuse that would be bantered about in TV sitcoms. I wonder, though, how many women are still feigning “busy” instead of just speaking their truth. Nobody wants to be rejected, and unless you’re a sick puppy, no one likes to hurt another. However, don’t we owe it to ourselves and others to be real? Under the guise of protecting a guy’s feelings, some women have ended up torturing poor souls who simply needed the truth, not another excuse. Unlike Jack Nicholson’s line in A Few Good Men, I believe most everyone can handle the truth – and in fact, prefer it – painful as it may be.

“What’s wrong?” “Nothing!” When you’re upset at someone and they ask what’s wrong, please don’t say “nothing” which does “nothing” to solve the problem. Acting like things don’t bother you when you are hurt or disappointed blocks your power and ends up robbing you of your self-esteem and confidence. Instead tell the individual how their behavior made you feel and what you would like to see happen in the future. When I first married and gave my husband the “nothing” treatment, imagine my surprise when he didn’t chase me down the hallway to figure out what “nothing” meant. Hours later while I’m still stewing in our bedroom, he’s happy as a clam watching ESPN with a big bowl of popcorn. When we finally discussed the matter without emotion, he told me that he took me at my word – nothing was wrong, so nothing needed to happen!

“Where would you like to go to dinner?” “I don’t know.” Sure, there are times when you really don’t care or don’t know where you want to eat, but I’m not referring to those moments. I’m talking about the time you’re craving Chinese but say otherwise. Too many women stop themselves from being clear and direct for a variety of reasons. Maybe you think you’ll appear pushy or demanding, or maybe you think you’re being nice by letting someone else choose the joint. Either way, you’re not expressing your truth. When I’m acting as a hostess and ask someone what they would like to drink, there is nothing more refreshing then receiving a direct answer. It saves me from running down the laundry list of drink ideas and moves us into the party phase. Most men I’ve spoken to appreciate a woman who expresses her preference. After all, they are simply trying to please us. What’s wrong with “I’ve been craving Chinese – how does that sound to you?” That way, you’ve expressed your feelings, but it also lets them know you care what they think.

            Whether we’re deciding what movie to check out or something more profound in our relationship, we need to avoid sending mixed messages. Until we become clear about what we want, we make it difficult for anyone to get close to us. Nobody wants to play guessing games, and no matter how much someone cares about you they can’t read your mind (we don’t live in a script-written Hollywood movie). Besides, all of us have a much greater chance of getting what we need and want from a partner if we’re willing to be vulnerable and speak our truth. Let’s stop protecting ourselves and others from the truth and instead show respect by saying what we mean and meaning what we say.

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Articles may be reproduced with permission from Colette Carlson Communications.