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Love Them Enough to Speak Your Truth By speaker and author, Colette Carlson, MA At this time of year with Valentine’s Day looming, we often find ourselves contemplating our relationships. Whether it’s romantic ones or those with family and friends, the various facets of these bonds shine through. As you address those Valentine’s cards, stop and ask yourself, if it came right down to it, do you honor these people enough to serve them a big dose of the truth? What do I mean by that? Well, for instance. Do you think, “So-and-so and I would get along better but he/she always says/does (fill in the blank) and it really gets on my nerves/hurts me.” Why, instead of coming clean and telling them what your concerns are, do you bury your thoughts and feelings and go on, as is? Telling yourself, “Things aren’t that bad.” Look, if you find yourself seldom being the one to reach out because you view contact with them with as much enthusiasm as you do a root canal, I have bleak news for you, things are that bad and it’s time to speak your truth! Now, when I say speak your truth, I don’t mean you to take things back to the playground when you were 9 years old and they took your favorite marble or constantly beat you at tether ball. I’m telling you to clear the air about that bit of themselves that you repeatedly find hurtful. The part that makes you dodge their calls. This is an exercise in grace and love. Where to begin? You tell the truth to them. You don’t do it behind their backs. You’re not passing judgment on them or condemning their actions; you’re seeking to enlighten them with your words! The gift of honesty is just that, a gift. People respect you when you’ve laid it on the table and reached out to them with hope, admiration and understanding. This isn’t a time for double-dealing or speaking out of both sides of your mouth, either. Mean what you say and say what you mean. Open the door to dialogue, and by dialogue, I don’t mean emails or texts. This type of truth requires a face-to-face chat or a phone call if yours is a long-distance relationship. Let’s take this one step at a time: “Hi,” you say. “I was just thinking about you and was wondering if you had a minute to talk?" When they say yes, tell them that you haven't reach out as often as you should but that you’ve had some issues niggling at you with how they handled/said (fill in the blank) and so you’ve waited to call until you could clear the air properly. By now they may start to get their hackles up and get defensive. You need to soothe that pride by saying that you love them dearly and respect them immensely so you don’t want to have a little twinge affecting your thoughts about them. “I understand where you’re coming from” or “I understand what drives such comments/deeds, and. . ." By saying you understand their position, you’re allaying any suspicion or rising anger early on in the conversation before it all kicks off. You don’t want to cause pain or start an argument with your loved one; you want to make a beautiful relationship even better and more valuable to you. "I find when you say/do that, my feelings get hurt. I know you don’t mean that to happen and I was hoping that now that I’ve spoken my truth to you and you were aware of it, you’d stop.” Follow it up! Make love the driving force. “I love you and I believe you care about me so I hope that you respect my thoughts on this issue and we can move forward with honesty because I value our relationship.” Now, the final step is: Don’t be afraid of their reaction! Fear has no place in a healthy relationship. You need to be who you are and you need to be true to yourself as well as the people in your life that make up your core circle. We rely on these same people and they feel comfortable enough with us to do the same. Therefore, fear shouldn’t come into play. Once you’ve been frank, your deed is done. You can’t control the outcome or how the other person reacts but you can control how you feel about your love in this relationship. You loved this person enough to show them your feelings. Now it’s up to them to accept your genuine emotions with grace and understanding. If they can’t in that exact moment or they get angry with you, you simply say, “I’m going to have to go now, and I trust that we can work this out. You mean the world to me.” It may not be that day or that week but they will come back to you with soothed spirits and wounds healed. It’s the month for love and that love needs to extend not just to others but to ourselves. Love yourself enough to be honest and you’ll reap the rewards with healthier and happier relationships! Happy Valentine’s Day! Articles may be reproduced with permission from Colette Carlson Communications. |
 
       
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