Of all the Bible quotes I learned as a child, “Ask and you shall receive” stuck with me. Funny, because I was raised in a family that modeled stoic behavior – asking for help was frowned upon, a weakness. Even when my Father was hospitalized for almost two months with an unknown condition, my Mother never missed a day of work and still attended to all our needs including making a hot dinner every night for my siblings and me (ages 6, 8 and 9 at the time). On the weekends she would pile us into the car to go and visit Dad at the hospital. I never saw a tear so I never realized how serious it was. She was strong and even taught us to march by the admission desk “like we owned the place” so we could sneak up and see Dad. Many years later we talked about that time in her life and she commented that no one ever offered to help her, even with something as simple as bringing dinner over to the house. I turned to her and said, “Mom, did you ever ask for help?” “No, but you would think that people would know.” Oh really? I didn’t know that any psychics lived on our block, especially when the only image my Mother ever presented was one of a woman who had it all under control.

            Since we live what we learn, I too, found it difficult to ask for assistance. No, I was never one of those girls that relied on some boyfriend to put together her stereo or assemble a new computer desk. In my eyes, those girls were wimps! If a decorating whim took over, I could shove a baby grand piano across the room solo. I am woman, here me roar. At work I took on additional tasks without complaining. I even hosted a Thanksgiving dinner for my friends and felt compelled to take care of every detail from an immaculate house to shopping, cooking and preparing every food item. I was even “guilty” of setting a Martha Stewart table (sorry, I couldn’t resist that one!). My friends asked if they could bring anything, but of course I said, “No” hoping they would misread my clear signals and recognize this job was too much for one single gal. The other voice that would never shut up said that I should be able to handle this on my own. After all, this is something I watched my Mother do every year for all our relatives. I’m capable and strong.  The flip side of that “strength” was my weakness. There I was in my 20’s shoving food down my face as a coping mechanism and unable to ask for help. Better to “pretend” to have it all together than to actually “be” together.  My outside persona (aside from the weight) was smooth and statuesque, but I was starting to crack on the inside.

            I want everyone reading this to skip all my drama and go straight for the Oscar – the rewards of receiving because you learned to ask. To keep myself in check I’ve developed a four step acronym that I hope gives you the understanding and confidence to get what you want. To make it easy for me to remember (something that gets more difficult everyday) the acronym is
H-E-L-P.

          Honesty brings clarity. Until we’re willing to get honest with ourselves and figure out what stops us from asking for our needs to be met, we’ll forever be stuck throwing a pity party for one every time we find ourselves emotionally exhausted and overwhelmed. There’s a reason we feel like we need to go it alone, and only honesty will uncover the culprit. For many of us who pride ourselves on being self-sufficient and strong, asking for help makes us feel weak and vulnerable -- two powerful reasons to zip the lips. Now let’s bring fear into the equation. Fear of what others might think of us (we might get laughed at or ridiculed), fear of getting what we want (oh no, then things might change!), and fear of not getting what we want (oh no, dealing with rejection!), are three more reasons women stay silent. All of these reasons boil down to being an emotional chicken sh#t. At least I was.

            I was so afraid to let others see my vulnerabilities and weaknesses that I pretended not to have any. This pretending helped me pack on 50 extra lbs of pain, not to mention an occasional (ha!) weekend(s) of binge drinking. Yet, it took over a decade before I had to admit to myself I needed help. No matter how many times I tried to lose the weight, I always found myself heavier than the year before. The control freak had lost control. I’ll never forget the day I took out the yellow pages to find a therapist (couldn’t ask anyone for a reference because then they would “know”). It was monumental, and I was shaking when I pushed the buttons (not from a hangover but simply fear of the unknown). The cosmic joke is that asking for help that day was a turning point in my life.

Being cheap, I took the Evelyn Wood version of therapy.  I tried and applied every suggestion she made without judgment. Every week I left her office emotionally wiped but feeling “lighter”. My pounds were still evident, but I purged emotions I didn’t even know existed. I cried years worth of bottled up tears (and I was raised by two parents who loved me!), and I learned that pretending to have it all together is weak because you’re living a lie. So, time to get honest. Start by asking yourself, “Why am I afraid to ask for what I want?”

          Express yourself clearly and directly. I come from a long line of manipulators. You know, the passive-aggressive female that thinks they’re being direct, but they’re speaking sideways. I knew it was genetic when my seven year old on the way to school whined, “Ooh, my backpack’s heavy.” “Casey, if you want mommy to carry your backpack then you ask me clearly and directly. I’m not going to raise another generation of manipulative women. Ask for what you want, and I’ll decide whether or not I want to honor that request.” (Don’t you wish you were my child?!) I’ve watched businesswomen on a volunteer committee say things like, “Sharon, you’re so good at making the arrangements, I’m sure you wouldn’t mind taking care of it again.” That’s manipulative. Asking clearly and directly sounds more like this, “Sharon, we need your help. Would you be willing to take care of the arrangements again?” Hear the difference? The second way shows respect because it gives Sharon the choice. Even if Sharon is a subordinate, it’s easier to just say, “I need you to make the arrangements for this event by Friday.” It’s the difference between, “Gee, the dishes just keep piling up!” and “I need your help. Would you please wash the dishes before you go to bed tonight?” Before you ask, think to yourself, “What is the best that can happen?”  Hold that vision in your mind and go for it!

          Let others help you. Sometimes we stop ourselves from asking for help because we simply don’t want to inconvenience anyone (fear of disrupting someone else’s life). We need to remember that most people feel good when they give service to others. We’re denying them that opportunity when we decide for them and don’t even bother to ask. I know of a woman who was choking at a dinner party she was hosting, and instead of asking for help she silently went upstairs where she attempted to dislodge the item herself. Thank goodness her hubby went looking for her before she passed out and an ambulance was called (I’m serious! You can’t make this stuff up.) She didn’t want to “ruin anyone’s dinner.” You may think that is extreme (and it sure is!), but have you ever stopped yourself from asking for help when you really needed some assistance? When hesitant, ask yourself, “How do I feel when I help someone?” Get out of your own way and you might find someone very willing to support your needs.

          Practice what you preach. If you’re like most of the women I’m lucky enough to know, you are a natural giver. You probably are the one asking your friends if they need a ride to the airport, someone to watch their kids for an hour, or pick up a sandwich during the lunch hour. You’re disappointed when you find out, after the fact, that a friend lost a family member or went through a difficult time and didn’t share. You wanted to be there for them – you wanted to help. You probably even told your friend, “You should have let me know so I could have helped.” Exactly! That’s why we’re all here -- to love and support one another. I found that when I got comfortable asking for help, others were more likely to call on me. My reaching out made them feel safe to do the same.

            When we ask clearly and directly for what we want, we learn that we don’t always get what we want, but the beauty is, we often do. Even if the answer is no, or not what we want, then we can decide what to do next. Either way, we’ve taken a step in the right direction.

            When I worked through my fears and took emotional risks to ask for what I wanted, I was amazed at how my world changed. Whether it was asking for a raise or time off at work, or asking my husband to take over dinner preparation, I was pleasantly surprised at how often I got what I needed. Sure, sometimes I didn’t. Yet I learned that I didn’t fall apart when it didn’t go my way. Instead it made me stronger because I didn’t feel like an emotional coward.

            I don’t know who said this statement, but it has resonated with me. “Ask for help, not because you’re weak, but to remain strong.” What are you going to ask for today?

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Articles may be reproduced with permission from Colette Carlson Communications.