Funny Motivational Speaker Colette Carlson

Do any of you have a relative, co-worker or friend who simply will not take “no” for an answer? You say it nicely, maybe even repeat yourself and still they just keep on pushing their agenda. No matter how determined we might be to speak our truth, it can be extremely challenging when we’re faced with a pushy, manipulative or demanding individual. The only way we’re ever going to be heard and respected by such a person is to enforce clear boundaries and limits.

The Safety Zone

I’ve heard it said that adults are just children in big bodies. If you’re around my age, (which I’m not gong to divulge!) chances are a chunk of your early days on the planet were spent looking out from the inside of a playpen. Why? Aside from the fact that it gave our parents a few seconds of freedom, it was safe place to hang out. Most parents made sure that everything within our reach wouldn’t kill us (ignorance back then was bliss!), while keeping out rowdy siblings or curious pets. Around 11 months old, some of us even pulled ourselves up and managed to take a few steps. The playpen was a place that provided us a feeling of control and security from which to risk. Okay, maybe that’s a stretch for an 11-month old, but you get the drift. Whether it’s a fence, sign, railing or walls, boundaries are necessary for our safety, and we wouldn’t want to live without them.

The Danger Zone

Yet, some of us have never gotten around to creating boundaries in our own lives which makes us a sitting duck for overbearing, pushy or manipulative individuals. When your boundaries aren’t clearly defined, it’s easier to be persuaded, taken advantage of, or harmed by others. For example, an individual without clearly defined boundaries may let co-workers grab plumb assignments, interrupt them during their time of “flow” or consistently work late to finish the job while everyone else leaves early. In their personal lives, they may let their children dictate their schedule, cater meals to fussy eaters and allow a mother-in-law to call the shots.

The Clarity Zone

Some women say, “Oh, it’s just not that important” or “it’s easier to just go along to get along.” That’s cool if you truly mean it and it doesn’t keep your stomach tied up in knots or complaining to your friends for hours. But if you’re just swallowing your feelings to avoid conflict, it’s time to put a stake in the ground and ask for what you want. So, what do you want? Only when we’re clear on what’s important to us will we draw upon the courage to defend our turf. whether it’s saying no to a distraction disguised as an opportunity or saying no to a friend who is determined that you go along on her dream vacation.

The Boundary Zone

I have a friend who NEVER eats chocolate – how the heck she does it is beyond me – but those are her personal boundaries created through self-discipline. Words, on the other hand, are how we usually set boundaries with others. And the most basic boundary-setting word is no. In the perfect world, we would say no and the other person would respect our boundaries. Unfortunately, this isn’t always the case, and too many women with good intentions let others trespass during these uncomfortable moments. Let’s take a look at a technique we can use when someone doesn’t want to accept our no.

Broken Record Technique – Pretty much what it sounds like, sounds like, sounds like (some of this I do just for me!) the broken record technique involves repeating a version of your “No” to avoid getting into a dialogue with the other person. For example,

Let’s say you have a friend that always seems to be having an out of money experience and she wants to borrow some from you. Lending money is something that has always bothered you and your inner voice is screaming No! The broken record technique sounds something like this:

“This is awkward for me to bring up, but I was hoping you could lend me some money until next month.”

“Lending money to friends makes me uncomfortable, so I need to say No.”

“Wow, well I’m really desperate and was counting on you to help me.”

“I understand that you were counting on me, but lending money to friends makes me uncomfortable. I don’t do it.”

“Why? I don’t understand. Don’t you care about me?”

“I don’t expect you to understand, but lending money to people I have a relationship with makes me feel uncomfortable.”

No matter what the financially-strapped, pushy individual says you continue to repeat the response like a broken record (or should I say a skipped CD). The goal is not to get sidetracked into a manipulative debate with the other person, but rather to remain firm on your decision.

Setting boundaries is a skill that can be learned through practice. Watch your self-confidence grow as you send the message to yourself and others that you’re time, energy and opinion count. Respect your boundaries and others will follow.