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Dear Colette, I work in a private Doctor's office and there are two of us up in the front dealing with patients on a daily basis. Due to the Doctor's choice, we are no longer accepting certain types of insurance and need payment in full the day of service. This is clearly communicated when someone makes an appointment, but here's the problem: My co-worker doesn't have a backbone when it comes to asking our patients for payment, and so avoids being up front when a patient is leaving or sends them to me. I know this can be awkward, but it's part of our job and I'm tired of having to be the firm one while she is all warm and fuzzy with the patients. I hate to have to tattle to the Dr. on her, but I'm getting tired of being the bad guy. Dear Frothy at the Front Desk, Your Doctor has every right to choose how payments are handled, and as the staff you are to carry out the procedure. It requires confidence and an ability to be assertive when asking others for money. Too bad you are left carrying out the bulk of the communication. It's time you had an assertive conversation with your co-worker to correct the problem. Remember, we must first communicate directly with the individual before taking it to another level. Dear Colette, My friend recently joined a direct selling company and keeps bugging me to host an in-home demonstration party, and I keep saying it's not a good time. When she's not pushing me to coordinate this event, she's always showing me her new catalog and saying how great the products are and encouraging me to buy. I purchased one item the first time she asked but I don't want any more stuff, nor do I want to ever have a party in my home. I'm not wishing her ill will, as I'd like her to succeed. What do I say when she keeps approaching me to get more involved? Dear Not Interested, How kind of you to make a single purchase to show your encouragement of your friend's new venture. Unfortunately, it may have encouraged her to keep asking. At this point I believe you need to be more direct in your communication. Rather than saying it's not a good time to host a party, you need to speak your truth. "I'm truly happy you are excited about this opportunity. I also need to let you know that I'd prefer not hosting a party, yet would love to hear about your success with building this business, so keep me in the loop. If she says, "Why not?" simply say, "It's not something I enjoy doing." Next time she pulls out a new catalog of items, if you choose to ooh and ah go ahead. Then hand it back and say, "Thanks for sharing" and go about your day. If she presses you to purchase simply smile and say, "No thank you." Dear Colette, I thoroughly enjoyed your presentation today and found myself chuckling as I was reminded of miscommunications between myself and the men in my life. Dear Mindfull Mama, Yes, having raised two daughters myself, I can appreciate your concerns. Here are a few things I was conscious to do in my parenting that I believe could benefit both boys and girls: Dear Colette, My brother-in-law will once again be gracing our holiday table this season with his white lies. I don't know how my sister deals with it (they've been married for over 17 years), but I've had enough. While telling a story he not only embellishes, but he'll make stuff up, such as, how he recently met a famous celebrity or had box seats for a professional football game. We all know it isn't true but no one says anything. My children are finally old enough to be impressed with his tales and think he's really cool, but I prefer they know the truth. Should I finally call him out after all these years of dishonesty? Dear Speaking My Truth, Your letter brought back memories of a guy I knew in high school. He was full of it, but I let him babble on, rather than question his stories because he was popular and back then I was still chasing approval. Dear Colette, With Halloween around the corner, my husband and I are once again in a stupid battle over costumes for our children. You see, I have a pre-teen daughter who wants to be Alice in Wonderland for Halloween, but the costume she wants to purchase is a bit revealing. My husband says there is no way she is going out of the house in that outfit, but I understand she wants to have a more modern costume like her friends. What do you suggest? Dear Trying to Keep the Peace, This is certainly an issue I can relate to having two teen-age daughters. I tend to side with your hubby. To me, Halloween is a time to be creative, show your style and have fun. I've been to costume stores and most of the prepackaged outfits for pre-teens and teens are selling sex. Sure my daughters weren't excited when the cat costume we created from scratch didn't look like the Playmate version their friend's were wearing, but too bad. I'm the parent, and I get to call the shots. As long as parents feel the pressure to cave to a more "modern" look, we are sending a message that this is appropriate. It saddens me that what was once an innocent, fun evening has turned into too many young girls trying too hard to look sexy. My biggest concern as a kid was whether my mother was going to make me wear a coat over my costume on that cold, Chicago night, not whether I looked "hot" enough for my friends. Dear Colette, I am very blessed and live in a spacious home with a beautiful, built-in pool in the backyard. My husband comes from a large family and every summer we entertain various members of his family on weekends and those who arrive from out of town for longer. Although I love spending time with our relatives, I'm exhausted going to work each day after cleaning, shopping, washing sheets, towels, etc. Even though everyone pitches in, I'm still planning menus, making sure everyone has what they need and keeping the kids busy. I just want a summer without so much activity, and the calls are already coming in to make plans. What should I do? I feel selfish saying don't come, but I'd just like a summer to ourselves. Dear Swimming to Exhaustion, Your description is the exact reason why I've never put a pool in my backyard. Seriously, it must be challenging to want to invite people you love to visit and enjoy your beautiful home, and still feel you are enjoying yourself given the demands that guests bring. There is nothing wrong with taking a summer "off" and your husband should understand. He is always welcome to come up with alternative plans or go visit his family himself. When the subject comes up say, "Given my current schedule (they don't need to know what your schedule looks like), we've decided not to entertain this summer, and I hope you understand. If you choose to stay elsewhere, let us know and we'll figure out a way to connect." Tell the local relatives, "If you choose to host something at your home, I'd be more than happy to help. Let me know what I could bring." Then zip it. Say nothing more. Now go enjoy a weekend by your pool in some solitude! Dear Colette, I have a colleague who always wants to go to lunch, and I do enjoy her company. Trouble is, she is cheap. She is quick to pull out her wallet, throw down an amount and say, "That should cover my share" but she never thinks to include tax or tip. Once after putting in exactly what I owed after she had already contributed, I said, "Mmm, I know I totaled mine up correctly and included tax and tip, yet we seem a bit shy." She said and did nothing, so I made up the difference again. I don't want to offend her, so what do you suggest I say or do? Dear Always Kicking in More, Why is it that too many individuals (women in particular) have difficulty when it comes to asking clearly and directly for what they deserve? You're concerned about offending her, yet she doesn't seem concerned at all about ripping you off on your lunch excursions. Although you may have felt that you asked her to pitch in more loot in the past, you asked in a Passive DigressiveTM manner by being indirect, roundabout and hinting. The next time she throws in less than her fair share, speak up assertively. "Your food and drink comes to X amount of dollars plus when you add the tax and tip which is X, the actual total is Y." Then be quiet until she coughs up the difference. Dear Colette, I'm responsible for coordinating and running a bi-weekly meeting with colleagues, and I'm over-the-top frustrated with how many individuals stroll in late. I keep these meetings short, have an agenda and stay on task. Since everyone needs to hear the information, I don't want to start without at least half the members present, but it seems that very few arrive on time. In the past, I've asked everyone to please be on time in my email reminders. What do you suggest I say or do differently? Dear Running Out of Patience, I still remember talking with a sales manager who docked his employees $1 for every minute they were late and another who made people sing the Barney theme song hoping to embarrass them in to promptness. Unfortunately, as a colleague, you don't have the same luxury to enforce such incentives. My theory is that people do what they do because they can - the cost vs. payoff isn't great enough to change. Dear Colette, Working in Human Resources I’m privy to knowing who has the potential to be laid off. A good friend of mine recently appeared on the list for the next wave of cuts. Since we talk all the time I know she doesn’t have much savings and this will be a huge blow to her. I’m struggling with whether or not to tell her what’s going to happen, but I feel as if I’m being disloyal to my position. What would you do? Dear In the Know, My heart goes out to you in this situation. There is nothing worse than having information that you know will change someone’s life, but not being able to share it without compromising your commitment to another. The fact that she is such a good friend and without savings is a concern to you, and I’m certain you want to protect her as much as possible. Having said that, you are not responsible for her future, nor is it your place to tell her exactly what’s coming down the pike. Dear Colette, I am not sure what to do in this situation. After I saw you on TV this morning I tried to think of a way that any of us could better handle this problem. In our (and in some other) neighborhoods, there is a terrible epidemic of dog owners, walkers, etc....who do not pick up after their pet. For some reason they are blind to the fact that their mess goes down the drain and to our beaches! I have tried to talk with someone in our city to find a way to curtail this. All they tell me is that they can't do anything unless I know where they live. That would be pretty bold of me to follow someone home. And when I ask people after I see their pet do its' business, they get defensive and proceed to show me a paper or bag that they are using. Ha, they certainly by no means ARE using it! How can any of us better handle this, trying to get these people to understand is proving very difficult! I have noticed lately that these very same pets that were walked by the adults are now being walked by children. So this is supposed to be ok, since we're not supposed to confront children? We might be accused of harassment or worse! I am at a loss, HELP! Dear Going to the Dogs, Thanks for watching the show this morning and tracking me down. How frustrating it is to deal with individuals who just simply don’t have respect for others. Perhaps you need to be the catalyst like the individual in New York who eventually got the city to take action and put up signs everywhere, as well as, charge someone $131 for leaving poop behind. Dear Colette, I'm going through a rough time. I'm unemployed and everytime I call my Mother she says how she's "worried about me" or "I'm stressing her out" since I haven't found a job. I just want her support but all she does it make me feel even worse after the call. What do you suggest I say? Dear Dreading the Call Home, It's tough to stay connected to those we love when they're unable to give us the support we truly need. We also have to ask clearly and directly for what we want. If someone is unable to deliver on our request, we need to simply accept them for who they are and realize their limitations. I suggest you say the following during your next call home. "Mom, I'm going through a challenging transition right now and doing my best to find work. When you share with me your worries and concerns, it adds additional stress to the situation. During our conversations I would appreciate if you would just listen and send your positive support. It would mean a lot to me." Dear Colette, A co-worker in my office is extremely opinionated and feels it necessary to comment on every little thing. This can run the gamut of what someone is wearing, what I’m wearing, the proper way to fill out a form, why we shouldn’t have our annual holiday party, and the best way to arrange the coffee cabinet. I do my best to tolerate these comments, but some days I just want to scream. She has no authority over me and is basically a know-it-all. How do I continue to work with this woman and not go insane? Dear Nutty in Nebraska, Years ago I had a colleague who also felt that everyone in the office should adopt her style, ideas and opinions. It can get old. What helped me find the daily patience to deal with this individual was to realize that on some level she wanted validation. People who accept themselves unconditionally also accept others, so know this person is probably extremely hard on herself. Her internal dialog is most likely just as critical towards her own efforts. By seeing it this way, you can find more compassion in your heart during these moments. Dear Colette, This year I am hosting the holiday meal, and my Grandfather will be joining us. Here's my concern. He is extremely rude and makes caustic remarks. For example, one year he turned to my Grandmother and said, "Hey old lady, get this recipe. I like it." Another time he called my youngest son a "whiner" when he simply asked for more juice. Now that my children are older and can understand what Gramps is saying, I'm uncomfortable with his behavior. What should I do? Dear Grandpa in the House, Whenever someone has a relative issue I'm always reminded of this saying: God gave us our relatives. Thank God we can choose our friends. Having said that, Grandpa's coming to dinner. My suggestion is to speak up in those awkward situations since you're no longer four years old, but a parent yourself. Depending on his remark, try humor. Dear Colette, When I get home from work I love to debrief with my husband. However, when I try to show an interest in his day, all I get back is one word answers. What can I do to get him to open up more? Dear Left Out in Louisville, Author Michael Gurian who wrote the book, “What Could He Be Thinking?: How A Man's Mind Really Works” suggests that a guy controls the remote for a reason. He says, “When a guy comes home from work, the man brain in order to recharge is looking for non-emotive, non-conversational stimulation. The remote doesn’t need to talk about its day.” Women, on the other hand, recharge through a burst of oxytocin which seeps out when we’re emotionally connected – it’s called the tend and befriend theory. Given your biology, what do I suggest you do after work? Call you girlfriends if you’re looking for a burst of oxytocin – or at least wait until the man in your life has recharged (possibly through the remote) before trying to have a meaningful conversation. Dear Colette, With summer coming up, I’d really like to work half days on Fridays, not only to beat the wicked traffic home, but to spend more time getting away for the weekend with my family. We love to camp, and getting an early start would help. How should I approach my supervisor? Dear Friday Freedom, When I lived in Chicago, getting out early on summer Fridays was routine. We had so little time to soak up the sun most managers were game for the idea. However, not all companies are like-minded. What you need to do is build a case to show your supervisor how you plan to manage your workload, and support your team or customers in your absence. Dear Colette, How do you handle someone that brings all of their life problems or drama into the work place, as well as someone who is always complaining about their work? I hear her talk about it all day long and she constantly brings me into the conversation. I come home exhausted, not from the work day, but from all the drama of this person's life. How do I nicely, but firmly, tell this person that I am not interested in all of this information and would just like to get my work done? Dear Complaining Co-Worker, How unfortunate that the Drama Queen has you so frustrated, but remember that you control your own thoughts. We need to figure out a way for you to own your power with this individual. Here's what I suggest: The next time she begins a tirade of pessimistic problems, I would say, "At this point in my life I'm working very hard at feeling grateful and positive -- after all, if we can get up in the morning, we're doing pretty good! When I start seeing the frustrations in my life, I've been refocusing and instead saying, 'I'm too blessed to be stressed.' You might try it! In fact, I'm working extra hard at removing myself from conversations that aren't focused on all we have to be thankful for, and I'd appreciate any support you can give me." If she starts up again with drama, I would simply smile and softly say, "Remember, I'm choosing to focus on the positive -- thanks for understanding," and then move away. Just become a broken record with that statement and she'll slowly find someone else who will listen. If it's any consolation, deep down this woman doesn't accept herself -- if she did, she wouldn't have to control others through her drama to get attention. Please see her as the wounded child she really is, rather than the complainer she appears to be. Sometimes when we change the way we see others, others change. Dear Colette, Last year my company hired someone to deliver a mentoring workshop, and at the end we were all assigned a mentor. I got stuck with this guy who barely communicates, isn't interested in helping me, and we haven't even gotten together in months. Every time I pass him in the hall, I feel weird because we're not doing anything the program taught us. Yet, no one in my company is formally checking up on these relationships either. I'd prefer not to work with him, but don't know what to do. Dear My Mentor’s a Mess, Mentoring relationships are most successful when they're voluntary, and it doesn't sound like your company took that into consideration when assigning mentors with protégés. Even if expectations were clearly defined in the beginning, it sounds as if both of you have dropped the ball. As a protégé you are just as responsible for making this relationship work, so I encourage you to set up a meeting with your mentor to discuss the situation. Be clear, direct and say, "Thank you for meeting with me, as I'd like to discuss our roles as mentor/protégé. Given that we haven't been consistent on meeting or discussing accomplishments, I'm curious to know if you think this is something we should re-commit to, adjust or simply move on?” If your mentor throws it back in your lap and asks what you'd like to do, say, “I appreciate what you've been able to provide up to now, and I don’t want to take more of your time on this. I’d like to stay in touch, however, and let you know how things go.” That way you've graciously left the door open for future conversations without a structured relationship. Now you don't have to dodge him when he's coming down the hallway! Be on the lookout for a replacement -- you'll be glad you did. Dear Colette, I just found out I'm pregnant with my first child and couldn't be happier. However, I know my boss is going to react poorly to my taking maternity leave, and I'm wondering what to say when I tell him. I plan to return to work full-time after my leave is up, but I know my absence during that time will create some challenges. What should I say? Dear Pregnant in Pittsburgh, First off, are you sure that your boss is going to have a negative reaction or is this just the script you've written in your mind? I would take the time to set up a short meeting and say, "Thanks for taking the time to meet with me. Since my job is extremely important to me, I wanted you to be the first in the office to know I'm pregnant, and I'd like to talk with you about taking maternity leave." Wait for his or her reaction, and then continue. "Although it's over 7 months away, I'd like to discuss how I can best assist the company remain productive while I'm out on leave." Depending on your position in the company, you can offer to train a temporary replacement, or talk about how the work will get divided amongst other team members. By taking a proactive approach, your boss will be more likely to embrace the circumstances. Congratulations on your exciting news! Dear Colette, I recently heard a co-worker talking about his daughter's cookie sale. I joined the conversation and asked about details, and he told me where the sign-up sheet was. About 5 minutes later, my co-worker approached me at my cube with the sign up sheet and brochure. I was so caught off-guard that I forgot to remember to "speak my truth" and tell him that I wouldn't be ordering any cookies this time. So now I have purchased a $14 tub of cookie dough, when I really wish I hadn't. How can I remember to take a breath and speak my truth when I'm caught off-guard like this? Dear One Tub of Cookies, Upon reflection, I'm sure that you realized your interest in the cookie details prompted your co-worker to assume that you wanted to purchase cookies too. This is why he hunted you down. In those moments when we're put on the spot, the best thing we can do is simply "Stop" and take a deep breath. How do you remember to do this? For me, I anchor feeling uncomfortable or anxious in those moments with the visual of a big stop sign. This reminds me to stop talking and start breathing. All of us feel pressure to reply immediately, but we really don't have to. Sometimes it pays to use a line such as, "Give me a minute to gather my thoughts, and I'll follow-up with you." It's also okay to simply say what you felt. "Oh, you probably thought since I asked about the cookies that I wanted to buy some. I was just curious, and perhaps next year." Instead of beating yourself up, when the cookie dough comes in, simply give it to a neighbor or co-worker with children as a gift. You'll make someone else very happy which will bring you joy. Dear Colette, I have a co-worker who in the past I've had some issues with, and her cubicle backs directly up to mine. The problem is, there is a constant stream of people visiting all day long. The chatter is very distracting. I'm not sure how to get it to stop or have her cube moved. Or should I have my cube moved? What should I do? Dear Cubicle Conflict, It's a challenge to work in such close proximity with individuals that forget there are others trying to get their work done nearby. If you could move your cubicle, that might solve the issue, but it doesn't give this co-worker the chance to change, nor does it show higher-ups that you can be proactive and assertive before enlisting their support. I would choose to be assertive by following the DEAL approach that I teach. D stands for describe the situation using facts, E - express your feelings, A - ask for what you want, L-Look for agreement or understanding. For example, "When people drop by your cubicle throughout the day, I can hear most of your conversations. This concerns me because I find it difficult to concentrate on my work. I need you to keep your voices down or perhaps go somewhere else to talk. Do you think we could work this out?" Making this DEAL allows your co-worker to know how you feel and make choices accordingly. If it continues, now you can ask to be moved and still have demonstrated to your supervisor your willingness to have a crucial conversation. Dear Colette, I recently graduated from college and started working in a large office. One of my more seasoned co-workers approached me recently and said, “If you want to advance in this company, you need to be more aware of your language.” This comment seemed to come out of nowhere, and up to this point she had been a great resource for me to learn new tasks. I asked her what she meant by that statement, and she simply said, “You sound like you’re in high school. No one is going to take you seriously unless you become more aware of your language.” I can’t help the fact that I have a soft voice, and now I feel awkward around her. What should I do? Dear Soft–spoken in Seattle, First off, are you sure that she was referring to the softness of your voice? When I read your letter my mind immediately jumped to the language I often hear my two teenage daughters use. “I’m like, ya know…” which you KNOW drives me nutty because it isn’t proper, or easy to understand. Please go back and get clarification from her feedback. Ask her, “When you say I sound like I’m in high school, what specifically are you referring to? Is it the softness of my voice or is it the words I choose to use?” Only when you know exactly where she is coming from can you evaluate her input accurately. This woman, who has been a great resource for you to date, may be sharing this input with you in order to help you grow because she sees great potential. If it is your language that she is referring to, make it a point to start becoming aware of any speech crutches (um, ah, like, etc.) and begin to change your behaviors. You can put a rubber band on your wrist to snap every time you use a filler word, or join your local Toastmasters www.Toastmasters.org to get weekly practice in your area. For all I know she is referring to language she deems inappropriate or swearing. It’s always best to err on the side of not offending anyone by choosing different ways to express yourself. If it’s your voice that makes you sound young, you can do exercises to lower your pitch. There are numerous books at your library and plenty of information to be found on the web to help. You want to be taken seriously at work, and your voice is often the only thing customers or clients hear while working with you. Remember, instead of feeling awkward about this feedback, take it for what it’s worth – a gift. Dear Colette, A co-worker and I are both responsible for a project in our office. Recently, I overheard him discussing the progress with our supervisor. The way he was stating the information, it sounded like he did the majority of the work which hasn’t been the case. We have both been working hard on this project, and I’m concerned that these sidebar conversations are creating a different picture. What should I have done? Dear Undermined in Utah, Anytime you overhear a project that you’re directly involved in being discussed, and assuming it’s a casual conversation and not a closed-door meeting, I would take the approach that you belong and pop in. “Hi. Couldn’t help but hear that you were discussing the X Project. Thought I’d join in so we can all be on the same page.” Your presence will put the brakes on your co-worker’s spin of who is doing what. Dear Colette, I have a friend of 3 years, whom I would do anything for. Such as, cancel my plans with my fiancé to babysit her daughter, be there for her for all her problems, offer my help and advice, celebrate with her on special occasions. Take her out for her birthday, help her with bills...you name it. I consider her my best friend. I was under the assumption that if I needed help, she would be there for me too. Dear Confused in NY , This gal takes from you and gives only to her boyfriend. My serious advice is to end the relationship as painful as that might be. Remember (as Dr. Phil even says) you teach people how to treat you. By remaining her friend you are telling her it's okay for her to diss you on your birthday, make up excuses instead of being honest and put a guy (who hasn't chosen to stand by his women in the past -- easiest way to tell what someone is going to do is look at what they've done) before her dearest friend. Dear Colette, My Mother has been seriously ill off and on over the past few years. Although she currently lives in her home state, she was living with me during some of the most difficult times when we weren't sure if she was going to live. Now that she is back in her home (her preference), I can't help but feel like I'm not doing enough. I have a demanding job that I enjoy, but it leaves me exhausted at the end of the day. When I finally get home and want to have a moment to myself, all I can think of is that I should be having long conversations with my Mother to break up her day. Although I connect with her at least a few times a week and visit often, I still feel guilty. What should I do? Dear Dedicated Daughter, My heart goes out to you and all you've been through over the past few years. It's never easy when people we love have pain and sickness, and the fact that you came so close to losing your Mother has to cut deep. Your Mother is fortunate to have a daughter who places such a high value on this relationship. Dear Colette, Every time I go to lunch with a co-worker she goes on and on about how she needs to lose weight and then she orders a juicy burger and fries or another high-caloric meal. I could care less what she eats or what she weighs but she is taking the fun out of going out to lunch. What can I say to make her stop? Dear Tired of Listening, Although you didn't say whether or not this gal is even overweight, I believe her pre-meal dialogue is simply to relieve her own guilt. She knows she would be healthier if she made different choices, but for whatever reason doesn't want to. Flapping her jaw about it makes her feel as if she's doing something about it. I can appreciate that you want to enjoy your lunch without all the conversation about bodies, weight and food, so just say so. The next time she starts to talk about her weight simply say, "I would prefer that we spend what little time we have catching up and supporting each other rather than waste a minute of it putting ourselves down. Let's choose not to talk about our bodies." If you truly care about this lady and are sincere, I think it will be easy for her to swallow. Dear Colette, I'm already dreading the next 20 years, and my son is only 11 months old! My husband and I have always taken turns traveling out of state to see my folks or his parents over the holidays. Now that we have the baby, my mother-in-law has already made noises about how excited she'll be next year, since this year it's my folk's turn. I'm feeling resentful as I begin to pack that I'll never be able to experience the Christmas morning magic in my own home. Am I selfish to feel this way? Dear Packing with Attitude, Anyone who has ever been on a flight during late December can relate to your feelings. No, I don't think you're being selfish at all given my own history. When my second daughter was born, I announced to the grandparents that I wasn't going anywhere over the holidays until the girls no longer believed in Santa Claus and could carry their own gifts! However, they were welcome to come to our home, and we would look forward to their arrival. I'm sure they were disappointed and frustrated in the beginning. Yet, we've gone on to celebrate many holidays together in our home, and the memories are magnificent. It's okay to ask for what you want - it's the only way you're ever going to get it. Although my girls are old enough now to meet the holiday travel criteria, luckily no one has asked! Dear Colette, Without being prompted, a colleague hand delivered my resume to an individual with a company that I would love to work for. He says it looks good, but I won't know for a few weeks. Just yesterday my boss, who I truly respect, asked me to take on an assignment that will last over a year. He stressed how important the commitment is because the last person left halfway through. I'm thrilled to get this assignment, but I would still choose to move to the other company if I get the chance. My boss wants an answer immediately. What should I do? Dear Confused, You know what you want which is half the battle. You want to work for the other company if you get the chance. You also want the assignment your boss presented if you remain. Although I always encourage individuals to speak their truth, in a work environment you need to be more cautious. I would encourage you to make a decision based on the information you have at hand which means accepting the assignment your boss offered. Should you receive an offer from the other company, you can let your supervisor know that you weren't looking for the position, but rather it came to you and you need to take advantage of the opportunity. Best of success to you! Dear Colette, My sister and brother-in-law have two beautiful children that I adore spending time with. However, my sister and her husband don’t always work and can’t manage their money. In the past they have used seeing the children as a weapon to get more money out of my family. My parents decided not to play that game anymore, and so we haven’t seen the kids for almost two years. I happened to run into my sister last week and she invited us over, so we went and had a wonderful time with the kids (who are about 10 and 13 years old now). I wanted to explain to the kids why I haven’t been around, (I have no idea what my sister is telling them) but was unsure what to say. Any ideas? I know this won’t last long – I’m sure they’re just trying to work their way back in for some money, but I’ll take any time I can get with those children. Dear Confused Aunt, Wow, I feel for your family and those children. First of all, I hope that your sister and brother-in-law have had a change of heart and are willing to make positive changes in their lives. Then again, give this couple’s history, I understand your doubt and apprehension. You’re in a tough spot because you don’t want to badmouth the children’s parents, and yet you want to explain your absence. Maybe you could simply say, “I was so happy your Mom invited me to come over because I missed not seeing you. I love spending time with you both, and I hope she has me over again soon.” That way, you’re letting them know how you feel while still respecting their feelings toward their parents. They’re lucky to have you in their lives. Dear Colette, I put myself on a budget a few months back because I was spending more than I make. Although I set aside some money for holiday shopping, I didn't anticipate all the groups that have asked me to donate to their cause over the past few weeks. I feel guilty saying no since I feel blessed since I have a roof over my head and a steady job. What should I do? Dear Feeling like Scrooge, First of all, I applaud you for getting on a budget -- especially if you spend more than you make. Although you mention it is because you feel so blessed that you want to contribute to others, I wonder if it isn't because you don't feel like you're enough without reaching in your wallet. As financial guru Suzie Orman says, "When we feel less, we spend more." Recognize that when you're in debt you are your own charitable organization! Having said that, I encourage you to stop feeling guilty this holiday season when everywhere you turn someone is asking for a handout. Even the "free" return address labels from religious groups are considered marketing -- and very effective for playing on your guilt. One idea might be to choose a specific organization that resonates with you and make a small contribution. Then, throughout the year I want you to feel comfortable saying, "I choose one organization each year to become involved with and this year I chose the X organization." Then smile warmly and walk away knowing you are helping to make the world a better place. Another idea that doesn't involve any money is to simply give of your time. There are an overwhelming number of causes that could benefit from even one day of giving. Think of the number of elders who would love to have someone drop by and ask them about their life or share a page from yours. Say no to spending more than you can afford which buys you peace of mind this season and all year long. Dear Colette, How do you deal with the person who stops by your office asking if you've "got a minute" when it's never turns out to be a minute? I understand that they need to come to me for information, but how can I manage the time more effectively? Dear No Time to Spare, No matter how good we are at blocking out our time in order to focus, there will always be interruptions. We can either let them frustrate us or we can learn to be honest and assertive. The next time someone says, "Gotta minute?" I encourage you to respond, "Actually, I have just one. Will that be enough or can I call you back at 3:00 (or whatever time you've designated). Another option is "At the moment I'm working on this project. However, let's look at our calendars and set up a time to connect." Remember, no one will respect your time unless you do! Dear Colette, How can you tell when a guy really loves you or if he is just playing around? I want to get married, but my boyfriend of three years keeps telling me he's not ready. Dear Tired of Waiting, Check out the latest book entitled, "He's Just Not That Into You : The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys" written by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. Both authors were also writers on the show, Sex in the City, and the advice is solid for women who want to know. In a nutshell, you wouldn't be waiting if he was really that into you. Create clear boundaries and go after what you want. Dear Colette, I'm house sitting with my husband this summer while ours is being remodeled. Most of the time this set-up is totally win-win because it helps us save on rent. However, most of these people have pets, and truthfully, I'm not a pet lover. I'm happy to provide for these animals, but the next house we're going to the woman wants her dog to sleep in her bed with us while she's away. Should I simply tell her that my husband jerks while he sleeps and might harm the dog? Dear Perplexed, Have you been ever been harmed by your sleeping husband? My common sense is telling me that you don't want the dog in bed with you and are looking for a way out of the situation. To use your husband as the patsy is a bit manipulative when it is simply easier to speak your truth. When the woman brings up the sleeping arrangements, simply say, "Since I don't have any pets myself that would make me uncomfortable. However, the dog would be welcome to sleep alongside the bed or do you have another solution?" When you're an animal lover you often don't realize that not everybody else is. She may come up with another option and you won't be sharing the bed with anyone but your "jerky" husband. Sweet dreams. Dear Colette, About two months ago, my husband's sister, who lives in another state, sent out a request for clothes that she was going to drive down to a shelter. As I donate my old clothes to a local organization, I didn't send anything. However, for my nephew's birthday I went on-line and purchased some clothes for him and three new shirts for me. Somehow the shipping got combined and my nephew received both orders (I only learned this after calling the store). I assume, since my sister-in-law said nothing, that she thinks the shirts are for the shelter. I was too embarrassed to tell her that those new shirts were really for me, so I said nothing. My husband says I just should have told her what happened. What do you think? Dear Shirtless, I couldn't help but think of the story line in the Emperor's New Clothes. You know, the Emperor thinks he is sporting some new duds, but really he is naked and no one wants to tell him the truth. Your lack of directness has also left you exposed and vulnerable. First of all, if you chose to be direct when you received the original request for clothes from your sister-in-law, things might have turned out differently. Forgive me for being practical, but I don't see the value of paying shipping to send old clothes to another part of the country when you can find plenty of wonderful homes for them on your own turf. I would have simply contacted my sister-in-law from the beginning and said, "How wonderful that you are making such an effort to help others. Since I also send our clothes to a local charity, I have nothing to ship your direction." Having said that, when you found out that the shirts got shipped to the wrong location, I would have immediately picked up the phone and said, "I just got off the phone with Store X. They told me that instead of shipping the shirts I ordered to me, they were accidentally sent to you. Did you receive them?" (answer: Yes). "Oh, I'm so glad you have them and they're not missing in action. Let me send you a check to cover forwarding them to me." See how easy that is? Clear, direct and you have your shirts. Let go of the guilt (anger turned inward because you can't do what you really want) of not sending clothes to her in the first place. If we always were doing what other people asked of us, we'd never have time or energy to do what we desire. Now, go get those shirts! Dear Colette, My husband would love for me to just take off and join him on some of his business trips. Although I would love to go (usually at luxury properties), leaving the children behind is challenging. They are at an age where they still need full-time care, yet they also have many activities outside of the house that require driving. I haven't found the ideal person to watch them overnight that can also act as a chauffer. Plus, with my work schedule it's nice to just relax on the weekends. I hate to say it, but it's easier not to go. How can I make him get it? Dear Too Tired, First off let me empathize with your busy schedule - raising children and having a career are two full-time jobs. I can also appreciate the time and energy that is required to find good help that leaves you feeling secure enough to get away. Having said that, I'm going to encourage you to make the effort to go away with your husband at least once over the next month. Why? If you're like most couples with children, it is extremely difficult to experience emotional intimacy and have a genuine conversation without getting interrupted or finding yourselves talking about family business. Sure, it's easier not to find a sitter, coordinate schedules or pack, but is it going to grow your marriage? Without a healthy marriage, those children aren't going to be getting the best of either of you. Stop worrying about finding the "ideal" person to watch the children and find someone you can trust. If they miss an activity or two while you're gone, so what?! They'll survive. If anything, they will appreciate you more when you return. You might even enjoy reading a book on the plane, a good long soak in the bathtub or sleeping in and ordering your coffee from room service. Enjoy your quiet while you're husband is off at a business meeting and connect when he returns. You might just be motivated to make this a quarterly event. Happy packing. Dear Colette, I have a dear friend who has an extremely important position within her company. Therefore, I understand that she doesn't have as much time to get together and socialize like before. On the few occasions we have managed to get together for lunch, she spent the better part of our time taking calls which upset me. I didn't say anything because I know she is extremely dedicated to her job. Do you think her actions are appropriate? Dear Frustrated Friend, I feel your pain. Your adult mind is justifying her behavior because she has such an important job, but your child-like mind is saying, "Hey, pay attention to me!" We need to bridge the two with some caring communication. I suggest that you share your feelings with your friend. For example, "I want you to know how much I look forward to us spending time together - especially given your busy work schedule. Given the short amount of time we get to be together, would you be willing to let your calls go to voice mail so we can truly connect? If we need to meet at a different time of day or for less time to make that happen, I understand." Or try a simple statement like, "Let's put our cell phones on mute so we can really connect through this lunch." You can always be humorous, too (more my style) and just say, "Hey, Ms. Important. Call me high-maintenance, but when we get together I want all of you, so unless it's a national crisis, put that sucker on vibrate and tell me what's happening in your life!" Either way, be brave and bold or remain on hold. Dear Colette, As a Mother how do you deal with all of the projects and art work that children make in school? I can't even see the front of our refrigerator anymore, yet I have difficulty parting with any of my children's masterpieces. Any suggestions? Dear Curator Mama, Trust me, I'm sure Picasso's Mother tossed a ton of his artwork along the way! When my girls were in preschool they too brought home volumes of oversized paper with random paint splotches. After making the appropriate, encouraging comments like, "Ooh, you certainly used a lot of green in this picture" or "Tell me more about this," the artwork would get placed in our large wicker basket that collects a week's worth of newspapers, school bulletins, etc. On Sunday, it's in the garbage. Each daughter could pick one picture to have displayed on the refrigerator. When they brought home a newer love, the old art got regulated to the basket. On the rare occasion when they couldn't decide which one to keep, I would put one on top of the refrigerator "for safe keeping" which eventually found its way to the basket. If anything unusual or spectacular came home, I would let them put it in their special plastic box. At the end of the school year, they go through their box and get to keep their three favorite items. As they have gotten older, they have a bulletin board in their playroom and tack up their treasured pieces. Without any prompting from me, they remove the older work and replace it with the new when inspired. If none of these ideas thrill you, take a digital print of the artwork and create a CD for each year. Easier to keep, and your memories will be colorful. Dear Colette, I work two days a week in an orthodontist's office and am home the remaining three days with my children who are 1 and 2 ½ years old. When my husband comes home from work, he complains if I want to go out for awhile to get a break from the kids. I'm not talking about going out to party, just to go for a walk, go to a bookstore or meet a girlfriend for a cup of coffee. He says that I get a break from the kids when I'm at work. Part of me feels guilty for wanting to get away and he works all day too. What should I do? Dear Guilty Mother, I read once that being a part-time worker can often be more challenging than being a full-time worker (now listen up readers before jumping down my throat). You see, when you work part-time people have a tendency to assume that you have plenty of time. The part time worker often feels compelled to give more on the job to prove that her reduced hours don't reflect a reduced work ethic. When home, others forget that this is not the daily routine, and so you're expected to attend all the birthday parties, volunteer, and watch your neighbor's children when necessary. You have limited time with your children so you want your days together to be about play and connection, not laundry and cooking. In other words, you're burning that candle at both ends and you're burnt out. Your spouse may feel that you get a break from the children at work, but this is about how you feel. You're feeling empty and you're looking for a healthy way to get filled. Guilt is just anger turned inward because you can't do what you want. You have a choice. Depending on finances, you can either find a part-time babysitter during one of your day's off (or switch kids weekly with a neighbor or friend) or you can decide that "Tuesday" night is your night to go spend a couple of hours outside of the house and leave the children home with hubby. Be consistent and leave weekly. This is Mommy's time and you'll be shocked at how rejuvenated you feel when you return. You need to split to get perspective and know how happy you are to have this family to go home to. The other option is to feel bitter and low-energy as you stack the blocks on the carpet or give in to late night nookie. Be clear and ask for HELP! Dear Colette, I've been dating my boyfriend for over two years and we're in a dating rut. Every weekend we do the same old thing, and I'm bored. When I share my frustration, he asks what I want to do. I'm tired of always being the one to come up with new ideas. Any suggestions? Dear Bored, If you think your boyfriend is suddenly going to become a creative weekend planner, he's not. In the majority of relationships I know, it's a rare man that doesn't defer the social calendar to his partner (aside from any sporting event). It sounds like your boyfriend is willing to try something new, he's just clueless. So, you have two choices. Accept that you will be responsible for creating some fun (and hopefully broaden his repertoire) or leave him behind and make plans with your girlfriends. If you decide to create some fun, prepare a letter for your honey to complete and give back to you. This letter has blanks to fill in or choices to circle. For example, "I plan (Friday, Saturday Sunday) night to take you somewhere new within _____ miles of my apartment. While there we will (kiss, dance, touch) for 5 minutes before (I tell you a story about my grade school, tell you about the time I first laid eyes on you, tell you about somewhere I want to visit)". You get the idea, right? You can make this as simple or elaborate as your desire. You get a fun evening and he is still participating in making it happen. Another idea is to utilize the alphabet each week. For example, the first week he has to come up with something to do that involves the letter "A" -- visit an airport, pretend your leaving, have a big make-out scene and then go to the airport bar and order "A"ppetizers. It sounds goofy, but trying new things is what makes relationships feel new. Then again, you might just want to skip the "B's" (Blockbuster, Beer,) Let me know how it goes. Dear Colette, I have an extremely sensitive friend who keeps sending me jokes and other chain letter email that I don't want to receive. In fact, I want to cut back on my computer time but she is making it impossible! What should I do besides keep hitting "delete"? Dear Frustrated, Have you simply asked her to stop? If not, it's important that you communicate your needs clearly and directly. This can still be done with tact and grace. Why don't you email or call her and say, "One of my goals this year is to cut back on the amount of time I spend checking emails and I'd appreciate your help. I always love hearing from you and catching up on your news but I'd prefer not to receive any jokes or chain letters forwarded from others in the future. Thanks for your support." Try it. I'm sure she'll be happy to help. |
 
       
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