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Whichever Way You Lean, Speak Your Truth

Posted on May 13, 2013 by Colette Carlson — No Comments ↓

whichever way you lean, speak your truthImagine my delight when reading Sheryl Sandberg’s bestseller Lean In and seeing the chapter titled, “Seek and Speak Your Truth.” I knew I liked her! The truth is, it doesn’t matter if you’re the COO of Facebook or the CEO of your household, the only way we can create the life we want is to get honest in our communication with ourselves and others.

Sheryl recounts an experience from her life that highlights the importance of honest communication. In 1995, after earning an MBA from Harvard, she was offered a job by her mentor and one-time professor Larry Summers, who had been appointed Secretary to the U.S. Treasury. Even though she wanted the position, Sheryl’s ex-husband was in D.C. The city “held too many painful memories,” so she chose to turn down the opportunity. When Larry pressed why, Sheryl almost said it was because she was determined to move to Los Angeles and try consulting. Instead, she decided to speak her truth.  

When she reached out to Larry a year later and directly asked if the job was still available, she noted it was easy because she had been honest upfront. “If I had told Larry that I was passing on the job for professional reasons, I would have appeared impulsive when I reversed that decision.”

Speaking your truth, even for the most accomplished among us, isn’t necessarily easy. A few weeks back I was the morning keynote at a women’s leadership conference. Not only did I get to connect with some outstanding individuals, but I couldn’t believe that MJ Tocci was delivering a break-out session! She and Dr. Linda Babcock co-founded the Heinz College Negotiation Academy for Women at Carnegie Mellon University. If you’ve ever heard me deliver a program on negotiation, you’ve heard me quote research from the book Women Don’t Ask, which Linda Babcock co-wrote. I was thrilled to connect with MJ, a woman who teaches negotiation for a living. She graciously shared her own personal challenge with speaking her truth when negotiating with her cleaning lady.  

“She’s been my cleaning lady for 15 years,” MJ said. “I love her – she’s a part of my family. However, she’s been having a difficult time getting up and down the stairs.” MJ knew she would have to have a conversation with her about continuing, although it would be both awkward and uncomfortable. Yet, she remembered what she teaches about negotiation. It’s really just creative problem solving. “We both have a problem and by not talking about that problem, we’re not making it any better.”

She opened the conversation with her cleaning lady with these words: “Peg, tell me what you want out of this relationship going forward. I’m noticing it’s getting harder and harder for you to get up and down my stairs. I care so much about you, I’m not firing you. I just want to know what works for you.”

“Let me come less,” Peg said, suggesting that MJ hire someone else to do certain tasks. “Here’s the stuff I’ll continue to do for you that only I can do, because I know you and your life. And I’ll continue to buy the supplies because you’ll forget to get them!”

By having the conversation, they figured out Peg’s highest use and her value. And she didn’t have to feel as if she was letting anyone down because she was unable to perform her job as she had previously.

Not only does speaking your truth with grace and tact require preparation, but more importantly – vulnerability. And most of us don’t like feeling exposed, raw and open to judgment, which is often why conversations that need to happen, don’t. But when we’re willing to stand in our truth, and speak up with grace, we set ourselves up for success.

Is there something you need to say? Speak Your Truth here, in the comments section.

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Posted in Communication

7 Things You Must Know Before You Speak

Posted on April 10, 2013 by Colette Carlson — 1 Comment ↓

Motivational Speaker 7 tipsThe woman in the blue jacket sitting in the front row gasped when she heard her assignment. Go to the front of the room, plant her feet, smile, and say her name and where she worked to the room filled with 85 others charged with the same task.

Easy peasy, right? It’s information any of us could give, even under the most severe duress. And apparently, that’s what most people in the room were experiencing – severe duress. I knew because I was teaching the group presentation skills and was privy to their angst. And here’s what I found even more interesting. After everyone had gotten up and given their “presentation,” the only people in the room that seemed to recall anyone else’s name or company were those that went first. I’m sure you can guess why: Everyone else was too nervous about their own speaking skills to pay attention to what others were saying. Kind of ironic, huh?

If you have anxiety about speaking in front of a group, you’re not alone. But the truth is, you have to be comfortable being uncomfortable to grow your career, because whether you’re presenting on a conference stage, in the boardroom, or one-on-one with a customer, your speaking skills must be solid.

So, here’s what you need to know:

  1. It’s not about you! It’s about them. Quit worrying about how nervous you are and focus instead on the others in the room. What do they need to know that you can shed light on? When you come from a place of serving, you can release your nerves and simply share the great information you’ve brought to the table.
  1. It’s about you! Okay, that sounds like a big fat contradiction, but what I mean is show up prepared. Don’t wait until the last minute to figure out what you’re going to say. Sales guru Jeff Gitomer has always said that people who are nervous are simply unprepared. As a professional speaker, I know this to be true. The more I “own” the presentation, the fewer nerves I possess.
  1. Go first. Rather than wait, stew, fret, and sweat, volunteer to present your information first. Remember, taking action reduces stress. Bonus, you’re less likely to be judged or compared. And the bigger bonus? You might remember the rest of the meeting (see above).
  1. Gain confidence by doing. All of those 85 individuals that stood up realized the world didn’t come to a screeching halt. You will only get better at speaking by speaking! So quit thinking about it and get up and speak! Say yes to those opportunities, rather than chicken out and let another take the spotlight.
  1. Plant yourself. Be certain to plant your feet before opening your mouth. Let your feet be one with the floor – feel the floor and then begin. Also, never underestimate the power of good posture and a warm smile. Your mom knew it. How many times did you hear, “Stand up straight,” or “We paid enough for those braces you wore. Why don’t you smile more?” Project confidence and friendliness and you’ll not only help put your audience at ease, you’ll also create those feelings in yourself by simply adopting the physical postures.
  1. Create a connection. Build rapport by sharing a story about yourself – but make it applicable to them. We’re wired to want to hear stories, so come up with one that’s a good fit to your audience and you’ll grab their attention. Remember, while it’s not just, “me, me, me,” you do want your story to be personal so that you can tell it naturally. And the best part, you won’t forget a story about yourself. After all, it’s YOUR story, which will get you over that nervous hump.
  1. Z Power. While you may be tempted to glue your gaze to your notes or fixate on a spot right in front of you, both are off-putting to your audience. Instead, practice the “Z technique.” No, I’m not talking about putting the audience to sleep (“zzzzz”), but rather drawing your audience in and being inclusive by moving your gaze through the group in a Z pattern. If it throws you off your game to look directly into someone’s eyes, you can get away with looking at their forehead, as long as you’re not sitting directly across the table from them.

Next time you have a chance to make a presentation or speak before a group, say YES! While you may still experience some anxiety, it’s just one fabulous way to become memorable. And memorable people are the ones others tap for even more opportunities.

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Posted in Career Strategies

Spring Clean Your Mind

Posted on March 26, 2013 by Colette Carlson — No Comments ↓

Motivational speaker Colette Carlson spring clean your mindIsn’t it interesting how, when spring fever hits, we spend time and energy organizing closets, washing windows and throwing out junk from the garage? Well, at a minimum we think about tackling these projects! Yet, we never take time to clear out negative thoughts or limiting thinking. We cling to those self-sabotaging subtleties that prevent us from living a life filled with clarity, purpose and joy. As the seasons change and the birds begin to sing, the weather warms and the trees bloom, it’s the perfect time to purge our mind of stinking thinking.

Where to begin? The first step in the quest for a mental un-cluttering is awareness. Recognize when your inner committee (always more than one!) shows up and starts chirping about your abilities. “You can’t do that!” “You’re too old to change careers.” “You’re not smart enough to start your own business.” All LIES (Limiting Ideas Eliminate Success) to strip your confidence and cause you to take a step back, do nothing, and play it safe. Lies that get you to quit before you begin. Lies covertly protecting you from harm, when in truth they are causing you continuing, unnecessary pain.

Play a game with yourself and notice how many times the LIES pop up on a daily basis to make you feel guilty (“I yelled at my kids, I’m a horrible parent”), to make you doubt yourself (“I better not ask for a raise, it’s not a good time”), or to make you play small (“Even though my company pays for university classes, I can’t handle the homework”). Pay careful attention to the distinction between the fact and the falsity.

The truth is you raised your voice at your children, but it doesn’t necessarily make you a bad parent – that’s the lie. The truth is you may have to adjust your schedule, ask for help, or be tutored to manage college homework, but that you can’t handle it – there’s the lie. The truth is you’ve managed everything that has shown up in your life thus far. Why couldn’t you deal with this one too?

Becoming aware of how these LIES control your decisions is critical to making positive change. Just like old clothes that no longer fit, it’s time to let go of thoughts that don’t serve you to free up space and energy to go after what you now know you want.

Remember, our minds can only hold one thought at a time. You decide what to keep and what to toss. Why not focus on your gifts and incredible talents? Grab the Windex, wipe off the mirrors of your mind and see clearly how bright and brilliant you are meant to be. And that’s no lie.

Posted in Uncategorized

Do Your Actions Come Back to Bite You?

Posted on March 12, 2013 by Colette Carlson — No Comments ↓

Jack Russell Terrier SnarlingWant to be treated differently by someone? Then change YOUR behaviors and you stand a better chance. It took this keynote speaker many years to understand that every day in every way, through our words and actions, we teach others – including our pets – how to treat us.

I recently read a story that illustrated this perfectly – and cracked me up. Seems a woman had a problem with her dog biting. He would actually corner her in a room, snarl and sometimes bite. How did she deal with this behavior? She would throw food at the dog to get him away from her.  Yep, that’s right — whenever her pet threatened to attack her, she would give him a snack. She went on to tell her vet that she HAD to keep snacks in every room of the house now!

It would be even funnier if this behavior truth didn’t cause so many of us pain in the process. In my single days I can remember putting up with men who said they would change, but didn’t. And here’s why: I took them back no matter what.

After programs, I listen to individuals who have issues with how their supervisors take advantage of their time and energy. Why does this continue to happen?  Because these same individuals haven’t had a healthy, assertive conversation with their supervisor or created any boundaries. Instead they take it and get the work done, which only reinforces his tactics.

We’ve all seen the parent in the store who after five minutes of listening to their kid scream for something they want, gives in.  I get it, you’re exhausted, perhaps embarrassed, BUT you just taught that kid to scream for a minimum of five minutes next time.

What am I saying? Before complaining or becoming upset with someone over their behavior, get honest about what you’re teaching. Perhaps it’s time to choose another course and speak your truth.

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Posted in Relationships

Four Reasons You Flub Up

Posted on February 19, 2013 by Colette Carlson — No Comments ↓

Four Reasons You Flub UpDespite all the trainings, workshops, classes – and best intentions – we all flub up on the job. It can be as mundane as forgetting to book the conference room for the client meeting or as serious as administering the wrong medication dosage.

Of course, no one wants to mess up, especially at work. Probably not at home either if you’re “fortunate” enough to share space with someone who just loves to point out your mistakes. And I bet when you recall those instances when you did blow it, you get that sinking feeling in your gut just at the mere memory.

What can you do in the future to help eliminate the chance of error? We can begin by understanding the four main causes of human error. Then when you find yourself in one – or more – of these states, be vigilant.

1. Rushing. Whether it’s trying to quickly apply mascara to get out of the house on time or working against a last-minute deadline, when we rush, we often make mistakes – mistakes that cost us more time! When you find yourself scurrying to complete a project or make a deadline, pause, take a deep breath and give yourself permission to slow down. After all, if it saves you from making a crucial error or having to get out the eye makeup removal pads, it will have been time well-spent.

2. Frustration. You’re juggling 11 work projects right now, feeling like you’re barely keeping it together. That’s when Alex from accounting pops by your cubicle and nonchalantly drops off a sheaf of papers. “We need those last quarter numbers from your department revised. Jessica’s at a conference this week, so looks like you’ll have to handle it.” Rather than keep quiet as your jaw tightens and frustration mounts, now is the time to speak your truth: “I understand you need these revisions, so I will get them for you. Moving forward, let’s have a meeting when Jessica returns so we can create a schedule for deliverables.”

3. Fatigue. If you’re finding yourself making a fresh pot of coffee at 4 p.m. or zoning in front of the TV in the evening, you need to wake up to this truth: A recent Harvard Medical School study found that sleep-deprived American workers cost their employers $63 billion in lost productivity. Recommendations: Turn off screen devices an hour before going to bed. The blue light emitted by screens interferes with the production of melatonin, a sleep hormone. Listen to calming music rather than a crime drama before drifting off to sleep. If possible, get moving during the workday. Even a 10-minute walk outside can make a difference. If you’re chronically tired, perhaps it’s time to see a doctor. And be willing to speak up and ask for help at home if you’re shouldering the majority of the burden there. No one to ask? Let it go and go to bed.

4. Complacency. You’ve done the same task hundreds, if not thousands, of times. Are you bored out of your mind at your job? I believe if you can do your job with your eyes closed, it’s time to open your eyes for new opportunities. Yet, I realize some boring job tasks are never going away. So while it may be tempting to let your mind wander as you assemble packages for the upcoming trade show, think of how you’ll feel if you or your supervisor doesn’t have what’s needed game day. We’re trying to eliminate that cringe-inducing feeling you get when you’ve blown it on the job. So especially when faced with a repetitious or dull task, remain present.

When you do make an error at work – as we all do – speak your truth. Own it, document how it happened and how you’ll prevent it from ever happening again, and move forward. Not bad advice for at home either.

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Posted in Career Strategies

Four Must-Know Love Tips for Women

Posted on February 5, 2013 by Colette Carlson — 1 Comment ↓

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I was never the girl that got a dozen roses, or for that matter, anything at all on any Valentine’s Day until I dated my now ex-husband in my early 30′s. Wait — that’s not true. I could always count on my Mother sending me a little package of conversation hearts in the mail. (As a child I hated those candies – tasteless and half the words were illegible – yet I ate them anyway. I’m still compelled to buy them for my own two daughters, but I’ve upgraded the tradition by adding my own preference — a hunk of chocolate!) Anyways, I just wasn’t one of those girls that sat around feeling sorry for myself when red hearts and cupid showed up in store windows. At the time I wasn’t aware that my “lack” of dating had everything to do with my “lack” of self-love and willingness to be vulnerable, but that’s another article. My goal today is give you some random “love” tips that I’ve learned along the way.

Tip:  Never ask another female about her love life.

This includes all questions from, “Have you met anybody?” to “When are you getting married?” One of the greatest gifts my parents ever gave me was never asking me such questions – even as I approached my early 30’s. Of course they would have liked to see me connect with someone special, but the message they sent by keeping their traps shut was that I was capable of living a complete life on my own. Trust me, I heard it enough from well-intentioned friends and relatives. I’ve heard parents of preschoolers and adolescents ask their children, “Who’s your boyfriend?” What’s that about?! Think about the message they are sending. I know half the time it’s in jest, but the message that you “should” have a boyfriend still gets sent. Besides, when a female is in love, you won’t have to ask because she’ll tell you all about it. In fact, you’ll know more than you probably ever wanted to know about it because love is, well, love and it’s difficult to contain. Ask her about her hobbies, passions and interests instead.

Tip: Put the holiday in perspective.

I know romance novels and movies suggest that this day is one filled with a rose-petal trail to the bedroom where hundreds of warm, vanilla candles glow. Let’s not forget the champagne, fine dining, chocolate, and passion for two. For the most part, this only happens in romance novels and movies. Oh sure, there may be a version of this lusty celebration at some point in any relationship, but for the majority of couples I know the day boils down to an extra peck on the lips, a wacky pop-up card, maybe some flowers (but not roses since they jack the price sky high that day – which could pay for a month’s worth of piano lessons), and a bite off the chocolate hunk you bought your kids. The couple making mad, passionate love next to a blazing fire while they whisper sweet nothings to each other is the exception, not the rule. Besides, it’s hard to keep the passion once you’re married because now you’re in bed with a relative!

Tip: Have your main squeeze write you a love letter.

When my husband came along, I got write to the point! I told him that for any major gift giving event (birthdays, Xmas, Anniversary, and Valentine’s Day) that “I didn’t want a gift — just a card.” As a man who hates shopping as much as I hate empty ice cube trays left in the freezer (I was the automatic ice maker in our home), he couldn’t believe his ears. It was too good to be true. Yup, it was because what I continued to say was “and the whole left side of the card has to be filled up with all the reasons why you love me.” His response, “Geez, a present would be easier.” Isn’t that the truth? But really, I’d rather pick out my own stuff – I have much better taste. Even though after 18 years I chose to divorce, those cards saved my marriage many times along the way. I’ve also learned sometimes love isn’t enough, which is why I eventually left him, but I took all my cards with me.

Tip: Remember the most important person to love is you.

The most important relationship you’ll ever have is with yourself. As the saying goes, no matter where you go, there you are. Too many women are trying to find a powerful man instead of becoming a powerful woman (been there, done that). It’s like trying to find a matching earring when you don’t even know what the original earring looks like. You have to find out what turns you on and makes you tick. You need to own that you are loveable and loving. Only when you create this special relationship with yourself can you draw toward you a healthy individual that mirrors your dreams and values. Remember, you won’t let others love you any more than you love yourself. When I’m having a day where my inner critic is raging, I know it’s time to stop and replace those negative thoughts with the mantra that author and speaker Louise Hay shared years ago: “I love and approve of myself just the way I am.” Try that naked in front of a mirror!

And then try something new this Valentine’s Day – write yourself a love letter. Sit down with a beautiful piece of stationery or a card, pour a cup of your favorite liquid, and go into juicy detail listing all your wonderful qualities (don’t forget your sing-song voice, curve of your back, ability to listen and keen sense of observation). Re-read your own love letter daily to remember how truly special and lovely you are – just the way you are.

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Posted in Self Love

Ghandi’s Golden Gut

Posted on January 23, 2013 by Colette Carlson — No Comments ↓

So I was noodling around the internet the other day – something I’m sure none of you ever do – when I stumbled across a site touting its list of 25 TRUE but unusual facts. One of those items caught my eye:

When Mahatma Gandhi died, an autopsy revealed that his small intestine contained five gold Krugerrands.

That struck me as so odd, I had to investigate further, so down the internet rabbit hole I went – again, something I’m sure none of you ever do.  A short search took me to another website, debunking that so-called fact about Gandhi. As for that original website and its 25 TRUE items? As far as I’m concerned, all 25 items are bogus. Once I confirmed that one piece of information was a lie, the whole site was useless to me.

The take-away message? Be impeccable with your words and actions. After all, you wouldn’t want to tarnish your credibility. Just ask Lance or Manti. (Not a sports fan? Google those names and spend some time fiddling around on the internet. It’s okay. We all do it.)

 

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Posted in Communication

Can You Stress Your Way to Success?

Posted on January 21, 2013 by Colette Carlson — No Comments ↓

We all spend time trying to alleviate stress in a myriad of ways, and some of those strategies – polishing off a bag of chips or bottle of wine, or engaging in retail therapy (i.e. shop ’til you drop) – while enjoyable in the moment, ultimately add to our stress overload.

Deep breathing, getting out in nature or exercising — those traditional stress-busters we’re all so familiar with — are invaluable for creating peace of mind. But let’s face it, not all stress can be banished. But don’t let that stress you out! Instead, adopt this novel approach that the latest research has shown allows you to transform your angst into a catalyst for peak performance: Reframe how you view stress. That’s right, by shifting your mindset, you can make stress work for you.

Before I go any further, let me add a note of caution. I don’t want you shifting your mindset right into poor health or martyrdom. If, for example, the people you live with expect you to have a gourmet meal on the table each night following a long day of work, please do not reframe this as an opportunity to hone your culinary skills. In fact, in such circumstances, if you’re performing that task with any bitterness or frustration, you need to speak your truth.

But since stress on the job is inevitable, a change in attitude about it can make a difference in how it affects you. Researchers have found that simply telling people who are about to undertake a stressful exam that their racing heart and sweaty palms are valuable tools then enables them to perform well. Guess what? That little mind trick works. So next time you’re faced with a daunting task – giving a presentation, perhaps — use stress to your advantage. Tell yourself that those physical feelings will launch you to success.

I’ve employed that technique myself. When I have a speaking engagement, because I want to do a stellar job, often my heart is racing and I have butterflies in my stomach right before walking on stage. But I embrace those feelings, knowing they keep me on my toes and add a bit of spontaneity to the mix. I also remind myself that I’m there to serve. It’s about the audience, not me, which helps me reframe and focus.

But what about long-term, on-the-job stress? Shawn Achor, CEO of Good Think and author of The Happiness Advantage, was part of a research team that showed videos to managers of the financial services firm UBS in the midst of the banking crisis. One group saw a video depicting stress as debilitating to performance. The video shown to the second group detailed ways stress enhances the brain and body. Six weeks later, not only did the second group see stress as enhancing their performance, they also experienced “a significant drop in health problems and a significant increase in happiness at work,” according to Achor.

Let stress bring you success by putting this latest research to work. And remember, people who speak their truth have their thoughts, words and actions in alignment. To help me re-align how I’m thinking about my stress, when I find myself thinking, “I’m stressed,” I’m going to reframe that thought to, “I’m in demand!”

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Posted in Stress Less

One Thing You Must Do Before Year-end

Posted on January 9, 2013 by Colette Carlson — No Comments ↓

You know the drill. Starting in January, everywhere you look you’re going to be inundated with frenzied messages urging you to make fresh starts, set goals, and take action (which is why you need to eat those holiday cookies now!!). But before you spend too much time figuring out where you’re going, the one thing you MUST do is take a moment to reflect.

Now I’m not asking you to dwell on the past. That will only prevent you from moving forward with gusto. But rather, take an assessment of 2012 using these three questions as guidelines:

1. What is the one thing I am most pleased, proud, satisfied or grateful that I managed to achieve, overcome or establish this past year? Did you learn a new skill that’s saved you time, money or your sanity? Maybe it’s simply a Word or Outlook shortcut key, or maybe you mastered an entirely new software program. Perhaps you set a clearer boundary with a family member, or stopped yourself from choking Party Patty, the gal in the office who’s constantly collecting for the next office gift. Write it down.

2. What one behavioral change have you implemented that has most changed your year? Did you refrain from automatically treating yourself to a Starbucks while shopping? Maybe you woke up 10 minutes earlier to meditate or make three more outgoing calls at the office. Perhaps you made it a point to stop what you’re doing, get up and greet those you love daily with a hug or kiss. It can be the little daily changes that over the course of a year have a significant impact on your life. Again, write it down.

3. What is something you’ve wanted to accomplish, change, or view differently this past year that still didn’t happen? For me, once again, it’s the book that I’ve been planning to create. I’m still talking about it versus taking serious action on it. Sure I’ve collected information and jotted down chapter ideas, but I haven’t truly blocked the time to make it happen.

For you, it may be those stubborn 10 pounds that are hanging around, or maybe you’re still in partnership with someone who doesn’t bring you joy. Or, maybe you still haven’t ditched that client who, let’s be honest, ends up costing you money with the constant demands.

So, here’s what I really want you to ask yourself: Is this something I really, truly want? Or is it just a “should”? Because if it really is a want, what steps, strategies or support do you need to put in place for 2013 to set yourself up for success?

If this isn’t something you genuinely want, then it’s time to accept that and quit beating yourself up. Make 2013 the year you let “it” go. For me, I know the book still is a burning desire, so in 2013, I need to create a system, get a partner to hold me accountable, and ask for help in getting the information organized. On the other hand, when it comes to my upper arm flags, I think it’s time to simply let them wave. Because you know what? I’ve been talking about getting Linda Hamilton Terminator arms since that movie came out nearly thirty years ago. Time for some self-acceptance — wave on and shut-up about it — both to my girlfriends when we’re together wasting time comparing body parts AND to myself when trying on sleeveless tops.

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Posted in Goal Setting

Don’t Be Bitter, Make It Better

Posted on November 28, 2012 by Colette Carlson — No Comments ↓

Everywhere you turn this time of year, you’re being admonished to be grateful. So I’m trusting you got that message. You’re absolutely radiating gratitude. In fact, at Thanksgiving dinner, you were so grateful to have had the opportunity to buy the groceries, clean the house and cook the meal, you managed to avoid chucking the stuffing at annoying Uncle Al when he wondered why it was so dry.

It doesn’t have to be this way. As a motivational speaker who encourages people to speak their truth, I’m here to give you some tips on how you can get through the rest of the holidays with grace.

  1. Ask for support. Do your holiday family traditions involve the women cleaning the house, grocery shopping, prepping and cooking the holiday meal, then cleaning up afterward, while the other half show up to enjoy football and food? If so, it’s time to throw the penalty flag, then give the guys an opportunity to assist by asking specifically for what you need. “I’d appreciate it if you could set up the extra table and chairs before everyone arrives.” “It would be so helpful if you would vacuum and empty the dishwasher this morning.” “I’d like you to make the grocery run for the following ten items.” While you’re at it, make sure the kids have assignments too.
  2. Speak your truth –with love. Before the next holiday extravaganza, let your family know your true feelings. If you don’t want another big celebration or visiting relatives, speak up. “I know in years past we’ve always gathered here for the holidays, but I’m looking to shake things up this year so we won’t be hosting this time. I appreciate you being flexible as we try something new.” Prefer to go to a buffet or escape for a long weekend? Let them know your feelings. “If I had my druthers we would have a wonderful brunch and then go bowling or something that involves movement. I know that in year’s past you’ve wanted to watch football or play cards with your cousins. Is there a way we could compromise? If not, are you willing to help by…(see above).”
  3.  It’s about connection, not perfection.  Last Thursday, did you find yourself racing around the kitchen, sweat stains growing under your armpits as you mashed the potatoes, basted the turkey, and browned the rolls? If so, you likely missed out on spending time with your loved ones, which is ultimately what the holidays are about. I know what you’re thinking, because as a recovering control freak, I’ve been there: “Everything has to be done just so, and I’m the only one who can do it right.” Let it go. Delegate. Next time, ask your sister-in-law to bring the mashed potatoes, even though hers are a little lumpy. Have your kids set the table. It’s okay if the silverware isn’t perfectly placed, polished or even from the same set. Chinet goes straight into the garbage can. This leads right into my final tip.
  4. It’s the intention, not the outcome. Your intention is to bring people together to share conversation, food and love, not have a Martha Stewart moment. (Besides from what I’ve read, there’s even some friction in Martha’s family. Hard to imagine.) Often the closer you’re related to people, the less you relate, so in that case choose to be with your friends or family of choice.

If you embrace these principles and lose the expectations, you can’t help but have a better, rather than bitter, holiday season. And for that, we’re grateful.

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Posted in Communication